Overwatch: An Ode to Roadhog

Overwatch, thou game of many players, thou rival to the Teams of yonder Fortress. You of twenty-three heroes (and likely counting), you of diverse and fun casts, you of cosplay material. What minds of Blizzard, makers of the Warcraft World, did conjure up this world of Omnics and men? Of Offense, Defense, Tanks, and Support? Of switching heroes at any time, unless you’re in one of those game modes that doesn’t allow it. The skalds, the muses, shall sing thy praises for all time, and I shall offer up this ode – an ode to the most noble, handsome, fit, intelligent, and morally upright of all Overwatch characters.

I speak, of course, of Roadhog.

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What connection, ask you, does Roadhog have to the plot, to the other characters? Why, in Australia, the world of Overwatch has turned to full Mad Max. And all that’s known of Roadhog is he forgot all humanity, became a ruthless psychopath, one might say a hog of roads. Then he met Junkrat, and they’re bros.

And what is his story within the Overwatch game? There is no story in Overwatch, everyone shows up and shoots each other. But that’s fine, it’s all non-canon and good fun. And in a world of cyborg ninjas, reapers of souls, and cowboys who kill people at high noon, all have learned to fear the Roadhog and his mighty hook. What range this the hook? More than you think. Can this hook miss? If you are bad at Roadhog, perhaps, for all too often it shall pierce through walls. No escape is there from Roadhog, only death by hook and scrap to the face.Roadhog2

But soft, you say, he is a tank! How can he deal such damage? Roadhog is barely a tank, I reply – more a man of health than of protection. None are worthy of shields given by the mighty Hog. But lo, the Hog can heal, and heal he does, but only to himself, for no one else is worthy of the Hog’s healing. He has better things to do. Like hooking. Did I mention the hooking yet? Because that’s what Roadhog mostly does.

So sure the grip, so powerful the blades of this charming, very large man, who probably ate a guy. So graceful his ability to sit. So… so… so alright is his ultimate, it doesn’t do that much damage, but the knockback’s pretty good. But the hook, though!

Roadhog3Yea, Roadhog, I sing thy praises. Even as my teammates cry, “Alex, pick someone else, we don’t need a second tank,” I play thee, Roadhog, for thou art a tank in name only. As they cry “Alex, git gud,” I ignore their salty tears, for indeed it is they who suck, but prefer to blame others. As they cry “1v1 me scrub” I laugh, because Overwatch only recently got that mode and matchmaking on it is weird. And as I die over and over again as Roadhog, I shall… I dunno, switch to Reinhardt or Bastion. I’m decent at them. Or maybe Lucio if the team doesn’t get a healer. But mostly Roadhog. Roadhog, paragon of morality.

And patron saint of hooks. Did I mention those yet?

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Overwatch is, as of the time of this writing, in the middle of a free weekend, and is available for purchase on Battle.net.

Alexander von Koopa

Alexander von Koopa

Bitten by a radioactive man, Alexander von Koopa is the last son of his dying planet, Alexander von Koopa. He was also the only resident. Don’t judge. Then one day some guy threw acid into the face of his parents in an alleyway, and a particle accelerator blew up. Thus Alexander von Koopa gained the power to reference a lot of things. And play video games sometimes.

Along with writing, he also does voice acting, and is directing Undertale: The Musical for Man on the Internet Productions. No, he’s not ashamed of shameless self promotion, why do you ask? Don’t tell him what to write, he’s the one at the keyboard!

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